Screen Test

On The Lot

Daniel Perlmutter — Tue, 12 Dec 2006 16:06:00 +0000

Check out "The Clock Strikes Doom" at the On The Lot website, here.

AMAZINGLY SPECTACULAR HOLIDAY MOVIE PREVIEW!!!!!!!!!!! with Idiot Boy Neal Anderson

timechanges@gmail.com (Idiot Boy Neal Anderson) — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 04:52:00 +0000

I have been away because of severe dehydration but now I am back just in time for the holidays! Thanks you for your cards and such, they meant a lot. But enough about me!!! (but if you want to learn more about dehydration you can find out about it ON-LINE!!!!! DO IT!!!! Before you become dehydrated yourself!!!)
Anyways, so many movies always come out at Christmastime, so why not give yourself a present and go see one! This is my AMAZINGLY SPECTACULAR HOLIDAY MOVIE PREVIEW that will tell you which ones are the best, so you can skip the rest.

The King Kong
This one is about a great big monkey!!! He is like a thousand feet tall and super strong! Problems happen when this giant monkey is made King and it goes to his head and he tries, I believe, to have sex with Marilyn Monroe, because she make sexy eyes with him when he battles a giant snake or something. He even climbs up the tallest building in New York City (NYC!). The film is, I believe, set in the past, i.e. before the terrorists destroyed this magnificent building. Now that is something for us all to think about.

The Rent
This one is a musical! It has still not come out! I am so excited for this one! This one looks amazing (see the amazing picture above!)! I have seen it on the live stage like a jazillion times! The cool kids are broke, they cannot pay The Rent! Got to pay the rent! La la la Rent! One by one they die of AIDS (sad but true, happens ALL THE TIME, etc.) and the "show must go on!" as they say, Rent-style.

Casanova Man
What a man, this Casanova man. He bounds around ancient Rome with a feather in his cap and is all like "hello my fine lady what a nice frock you have on," and they are positively melting. I would melt too, if jolly Casanova had his way with me, but not in a gay way, just friendly and respectful. Because he was a great man! Trivia: His name means A New House.

Memories of a Geisha
This Geisha is a Chinese lady, and her memories are sad becuase Geishas are Chinese hookers. Hookers are often sad because they cannot kiss on the mouth. Never on the mouth! This is, I believe, because dignity and honour are important to the Asians, and perhaps also to hookers - odd!!! The geishas wear elaborate robes that turn into sex machines, I believe. Is this a musical? I do not know. I think I want to be a geisha.

The Ring of Fire
Is that what it's called? Who is in this movie? River Phenix and the lady with the crazy name! She has a name like Henrietta Motherspoon - trust me it is hilarious. River Phenix plays a crazy country rocker who discovers a magic ring of fire, and then they both sing about it and get married. Me, I am interested to learn more about it, about the man.

Brokenback Mountains
What is this one about??? I am excited! Two country cowboys. One is Casanova Man, and the other is The Spider Man. They are best friends and have wonderful times together just a' fishin' and herdin' up the cattle and a' wrasslin' about and such, I believe. Their women friends don't get it! They are all like "I don't wantcha messin' with that cowboy! I wantcha ta stay home and smooch me the live long day!" (one of these is from Dawson Creek!!!!!! Why is Dawson Creek not in this one!!??) These good ol' gals don't get it! Boys will be boys!!!!! That is a fact! It is important to have boy friends!!!!!

The Lion and the Witch and The Wardrobe
This one sounds like an old joke like "What do get when you cross an Lion and a Witch and they go into a wardrobe???" I don't know what the puchline would be, but I bet there will be plenty of punchlines in this one. Because it is like Shrek? I think so. That one was Hi-larious, especially the black fellow as the dirty donkey! He was the dirtiest donkey there ever was, except for something from the internet that my friend made me watch on taco night.

Munich
This is going to be a biggie! It is directed by Mr. Steven Spielberg, the man who made E.T. and The Jurassic Park and The Star Wars and and The Titanic and The War of Worlds!!!!!! What is it about???? Who cares!!!! It will be exciting. I think maybe it is about Jewish crime-fighters, that is okay, I would be okay with jewish material if it is exciting like The Jurassic Park. As long as they are not chanting and such every two minutes (NOT RACIST!).

That's it for now, but I know there are more!!! Maybe I will write about them, if they become popular and such. I am happy to do it!! Until then I will go see these ones and maybe I will see you there, there in the theatre. Unless I can find somebody to tell me how I can watch them on my phone, then I will just watch them on that.

See you at the movies!

Yours truly,
Neal Anderson

Der Film Bone

S W O — Mon, 30 May 2005 19:10:00 +0000

Another interview with director S.W. Owen has found its way into the wooly world of internet film-theory round-ups, this one courtesy of Germany's Der Film Bone. Arns Kielbander talks with Owen about Apartment Complex, Hep 2 Video & the upcoming film adaptation of Johnny Idaho.

ARNS KIELBANDER: You are making too many movies, no?
S.W. OWEN: Well... I keep busy, I suppose.
AK: It's hot.
SWO: In here? The air conditioning is on...
AK: It's too hot. I'm going to take off my shirt.
SWO: ...Okay.
AK: Why is Apartment Complex not out yet in Germany? I hear it is disgusting!
SWO: Well, psychologically speaking, maybe. It's actually not out anywhere. I screened a work-in-progress a while back, but the new cut just got finished, and I'm just now submitting it to--
AK: I must see it. It's about a koo koo man?
SWO: It's a diary film, working with Polanskian tropes. I guess I do go a little koo koo in it...
AK: Koo Koo like Tom Cruise!
SWO: Well...
AK: Excellent. Tom Cruise is atrocious!
SWO: Yes, but Tom Cruise is a big star, and the character in this movie is not. He's somebody who wants to be an artist, who has the enthusiasm, but can't articulate what he--
AK: It sounds very retro.
SWO: Well...
AK: Very 2001.
SWO: Not the Kubrick...
AK: Ach! No, the year...
SWO: Oh... Well, I guess...
AK: You know what film I am feeling very, very excited for? The new Batman!
SWO: Yeeeah, I don't know...
AK: Why not make a film like this? That everyone will want to see and will be released all over the world?
SWO: I would like to, of course, but in terms of the financing available to me...
AK: I think it looks like a rollicking good time, and very high caliber, you know, the production values. Not so dirty!
SWO: Yeah, I guess I've been pretty interested in dirty video, and the ugliness of that image, but maybe, also, certain kinds of beauty and poetry which can emerge from that ugliness...
AK: This is not like Batman at all!
SWO: No, I guess not.
AK: It's so sad. Why do you do it?
SWO: Do what?
AK: Make your ugly little movies?
SWO: I don't... Are you asking me---
AK: Why always with the dirty, ugly little videos? Why not something like the Batman?
SWO: Well, The Hep 2 Video work... it doesn't represent the full scope of what I'm interested in, thematically, cinematically. I have plans to release that body of work on DVD, and then move on... This Johnny Idaho thing...
AK: Ach! The detective!
SWO: Right...
AK: A bit more of the Batman, a little bit less of the uglies?
SWO: I suppose. I'll be shooting that this summer, and it's going to be--
AK: This makes sense to me. Enough with the uglies, more of the Batman!
SWO: I don't know.
AK: You disappoint me.

Johnny Idaho's The Dead Don't Die will be premiering at this November's Hi-Class Picture Show. Apartment Complex is currently being rejected by film festivals all over the globe. Hep 2 Video: The Collected Works will be released on DVD this winter.

MOVIETIME with Idiot Boy Neal Anderson #7

timechanges@gmail.com (Idiot Boy Neal Anderson) — Fri, 17 Jun 2005 15:59:00 +0000

Oh, I know it has been awhile. Sorry, I've been busy! Busy going to the movies that is! Some of the time, anyway. I finally saw New Star Wars! As those of you who have read my Timechanges Blogger know I left the line-up because the alien lady was giving me the stink eye, and that was a difficult time but now I have seen it and it is truly a great one. The best one of all of them! All of the Star Wars! Especially nice was when they went to a purple planet and Obi rode a giant pretty peacock. Also I liked the apartment that Annie and the Princess lady from the dirty one were living in - in the window you could see a bunch of cool space cars, so I have no idea why the Princess was so upset all the time - maybe she was still sad that an old lecher made her strip off for the Pretty Lady in the other one. Where was Hans Olo? We will never know.

Also I saw The Batman Begins. This one is weird and wild. The first half of this movie is about a billionaire playboy who is sad, and then discovers (Timechanges!) physical fitness and whatnot, I believe. The second half is about The Batman. I do not know what these two men have to do with one another, but their tales are exciting to the eye. In the first half, the man, Wayne, is irritated by bats and his mother and father take bullets after he crybabies them into the alleyway. This is quite coincidental to the second half of this film, wherein we meet the big man, who is part-bat, part-man: The Bat Man. I kept wanting these two fellows to meet and shake hands, but good luck! That will never happen in the first one - but I bet in one of the sequels they might even kiss, but not in a gay way, just "Hey Bats!" "Hey Wayne!" "Let's have a smooch!" There's also a freaky scarecrow in this movie, and a guy from The Star Wars.

And also in this movie is little Joey Potter from the Creek, the lucky lovely who is now Mrs. Tom Cruise AKA The Biggest & Best Movie Star in the Whole World. Actually I have a great deal in common with Mr. Tom Cruise and his attempts to deal with the evils of Nazi medicine and crime and books and the like. He is teaching the world to read (the classics), and now he is teaching Joey Potter to read his lessons of love. They are the First Lady and Man of Planet Hollywood in my books. Together these two lovely birds are going through the biggest Timechanges around. Look at him as he hollers it out "I am having amazing Timechanges!!!! This is my number one special lady and she is rocking my world and we are going scuba diving into the heart of love!" So happy for them! I cannot wait to see them both fighting off the alien baddies in the new one everybody is excited for - War of Worlds! I will discuss it soon!!!! I will also discuss the new great ones by Hillary Duff and what else, maybe the one with Mr. Handsome and the slutty one who broke Rachel's heart. See you at the movies!!!!!!!!!!

Yours Truly, Neal Anderson

MOVIETIME with Idiot Boy Neal Anderson #8: SPECIAL WAR OF THE WORLDS EDITION!

timechanges@gmail.com (Idiot Boy Neal Anderson) — Fri, 01 Jul 2005 16:56:00 +0000

OMG!!!!!!!! The biggest blockbuster is out now, and it is A War of the Worlds!!!! I saw it last night and do you know what? I am really scared. I am scared because this amazing movie is a true and terrifying tale and I have never seen anything like it!!!! There is so much to say!!!!!!! This movie is from two of Hollywood's crown princes, Steven Spielberg and Tom Cruise, so you know it is going to be good!!!!!

First, the plot of this movie. In this movie, I believe, Tom Cruise plays a cool guy who drives a super crane and is all like "Whatever" when his two nerdy kids show up for the weekend. Their mother is a big old b-word who has left Tom Cruise to marry a nerd. There is the little blonde one from the movie with the black man and a teenage boy who is a nobody and has to finish his homework? But guess what? There is no time for homework when a giant robot man comes up out of the sidewalk, I believe, and starts shooting everybody and eating buildings and such. Tom Cruise is like WHAAAAA???? So even Tom Cruise is scared, I understand that, but why is he not fighting the giant robot? He should get in his jet plane (a la The Top Gun) and blam it up, or go karate on it or something (a la the Final Samari). But I suppose he cannot because he is a father. Then he gets his kids and they are running away. Many people get killed by the giant robots. Then the teenager wants to join the army. His name is Robbie, and he wants to join the army so bad it hurts (I know the feeling Robbie!!!!!!) Then the other guy from the movie with the weirdo river molesters shows up and he is completely bats. Then the river molester and Tom Cruise go into a room together and something happens, I don't know. Then they are running again, and then I became completely scared and I had to make a phone call but I am okay now.

These big robots, they are really some baddies. They are just tearing it up all over the place, and in one scene they are zapping people in a river, just like in The Titanic. I really do not know what I would do if they showed up one day like in this movie. If I ever see lightning, like in a lightning storm, I will just start running and never stop. I AM SO SCARED!!! If I saw the little blonde girl crying alone in the street while I was running, I would give her all of my change but I WOULD NOT STOP RUNNING. She is a smart one, she will be okay on her own. I would not run forever, because I am no coward. Eventually I would join the army like Robbie.

BUT WHY IS THERE NO SUPER CREW IN THIS MOVIE!!!??? If I was the President and the giant robots popped up and started freaking everybody out, I would pick up my special President phone and start calling all the best good guys and then we would have a SUPER CREW to fight the baddies. I would call:

1) The Batman
2) The Superman
3) The Daredevil
4) Miss Jessica Alba
5) Miss Sandra Bullock
6) Rumpelstiltskin
7) Michael Bubbley
8) Blackie Peas
9) Harry Porter
10) The Lord of the Rings
11) Spidey!
12) Darth Vader
13) Geronimo!!!!
14) Jimmy Fallon
15) Tiger Wood!
16) All of the other super people
17) The black one who knows the little blonde one
18) Leonard Kravitz (rock n' roller)
19) Tom Cruise, because I think he does a pretty good job in this one
20) Tom Cruise's new wifey Kate Holmes, so they will not be separated
21) Others.

That should do it. Also, my friend Danny P. says that if the witch from The Bewitched was in Herbie they could do it too. IF ONLY HE REMEMBERED that ONLY TOM CRUISE'S CAR WORKS WHEN THE ALIENS COME & NOT EVEN WITCHERY WILL CHANGE THAT. HERBIE WILL NOT WORK FOR THIS ONE SORRY DANNY P.

A lot of things are killed and blown up in this movie, and that made me think of the one from a couple of years ago when the two superbuildings were exploded by the terrorists. Even in this movie the little blonde one goes "Is it the terrorists?" and everyone is like "I'll bet it is." Also, the other one that Steven Spielberg made that was set in the past and had the baddies from the Indiana Jones fighting the Jewish. It was in black & white (???). It had a scene like in The Psycho - scary, but everything was okay. Also, as I said before, The Titanic. These are all great movies, I believe, because they show terrible things happening and the whole human race must have timechanges and become okay again through struggle and heroism and much hardship and timechanges. That is why this not just some dumb movie that you go see and are like "Yeah, right, whatever" like Tom Cruise at the beginning, instead you must be like, "Okay, I get it now, I am learning to grow and have the timechanges."

ALSO! If you get really scared after you see this movie and are always running away everytime you hear the lightning, DO NOT GO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST. Tom Cruise was saying that they are up to no good like the Indiana Jones baddies (NAZIS!) and I'll bet that when the robots come down in real life one of them (The Psychiatrists) will be all evil with their white coats and little eyeglasses and be all like "Kill Zem!" (meaning humans not the robots! They will be all buddy buddies with the robots!) and they will tie up Kate Holmes and the little blonde one to feed them to the giant robots. Then if the President can get it together, it will be SUPER CREW TO THE RESCUE! I hope that they would make it there in time. The Super Crew should let Tom Cruise be the one to untie them (his ladies), it is the right thing to do. Okay, so DO NOT GO TO THE HEADSHRINKERS. Also, do not listen to the ones (Media!) who tell you that Tom Cruise is not a straight up straightly straight shooter! He is! He wants to help people! With this movie, he has helped many. Think about it.

See You at the Movies!

Yours Truly, Neal Anderson

FALL MOVIE SPECTACULAR PREVIEW! with Idiot Boy Neal Anderson

timechanges@gmail.com (Idiot Boy Neal Anderson) — Tue, 16 Aug 2005 16:17:00 +0000

The Big Summer Movie Season is almost over but guess what? The Fall Movie Season is, I believe, just around the corner, so it's okay! A lot of these movies are important because they are eligible for "Oscar." Good luck to all of them! I am excited!

The Rent - Everybody hates paying the rent - when they do, they want to sing the blues! That's what this one is about. It was a hit Broadway play and I saw it in Toronto THREE TIMES and I am super excited for the movie. There are tough times in life, but if you have friends and love to sing the blues and dance around and have timechanges then it will be okay!

A Constant Gardener - What's up with this guy, he's always at it with the weeds and such. Snoozey!

Jennifer Aniston's Movie - I know she has one, I don't know what it is called, but I will go see it, because I do not think it was "cool" for Mr. Cool Brad Pitt to leave her at the altar for the freaky slutty one who drank Sling Blade's blood and has an army in China or what-have-you. That was mean! Let's all support Jen and go see this one, okay!!!???? Trivia: Jennifer Aniston played "Rache" on the Friends TV Show.

New Henry Porter!!!!!! - The wait will soon be over and we will get to see Henry and all his friends at the wizard school flying around and looking in boxes and such. One thing, however, is that nobody should look at the little girl (Hermeneme!) when she is in the movie because she is going through special Timechanges and it would not be right, so no matter how much you want to look at her DO NOT LOOK AT HER!!!!

Elizabeth's Town - Somebody dies and a sad young man meets a girl who teaches him how to use the telephone? The girl, Elizabeth, also has a town. This one has already been out, I believe, and Princess Leia was in it, also the doctor from that show. There was a hole and they screamed in the hole. Anyhow it's coming out again and I am excited!!!!!!!!

The Million Dollar Baby - Has this one come out already? In it, I believe Dirty Harry has a baby and he sells it for a million dollars, then the baby gets brain damaged and Dirty Harry has to sit on it with a pillow - sad!

See you at the movies!
Yours truly, Neal Anderson

MEMO

slytusk@gmail.com (Mark Slutsky) — Fri, 12 Aug 2005 19:18:00 +0000

From: Mark Slutsky, Head of Talent
To: Seth W. Owen, Head of Development
Re: Hungry

Hi Seth!

I want some peanut-butter-flavoured candy. I've included some examples below. It's late on a Friday afternoon and I'm feeling squirmy and distracted.

Mark

"WHAT I WANT:"

Cashing in our chips

slytusk@gmail.com (Mark Slutsky) — Wed, 10 Aug 2005 17:30:00 +0000

Proposed AVS feature:

I Hardly Even Know Her
"High-stakes" romcom
The Stars: Joe Cobden, Dan Perlmutter, Laura Perlmutter, Sarah Musgrave, and Josh Dolgin as "The Kid"
The Skinny: An cocky up-and-coming poker champ (Cobden) meets his greatest challenge: a beautiful player who's determined to beat him... just as he's determined to win her heart.
The Scoop: Well, poker's pretty big these days and with the studio's newfound interest in it, it's perhaps in AVS's best interest to "cash in" while it can. To be filmed on location at the Casino du Montréal.
The Bottom Line: AVS brass seem pretty confident... but do they hold a winning hand, or is this derivative romcom just a bluff?

MOVIETIME with Idiot Boy Neal Anderson: #6

timechanges@gmail.com (Idiot Boy Neal Anderson) — Mon, 16 May 2005 18:52:00 +0000

Hello movie fans! Okay, first things first, I am not in the line up for New Stars Wars anymore. You can read why in the new exciting blogger that is The Timechanges Blogger. I will still go see it as soon as it comes out just no more weirdo line up stuff for me - It is back to plain jane everyday old fashioned movies for this movie buff! And there are a ton of neat ones coming at you this week!!!

Number one in my books has got to be The Monster in Law. This one looks scary, but also, funny. In it the old lady and the Hispanic booty shaker fight, I believe, a monster, and maybe they go to jail. Is it funny? I loved it. This old one, I do not know who she is, but she is Hollywood royalty, and every where she goes she gets spit on in her la-di-dah fur coats – that’s no way to treat the Queen of Hollywood, no matter how old she is. They fight it up, too, the Hispanic and the old coot, and then, I believe, they fight the monster. This one, it is a real good one, and I think it will be boffo at the box office. HOLLYWOOD TRIVIA: The Hispanic once dated a black mobster!!!! Also, the blind boy who is best friends with the mathematician.

ALSO!!! The Mind Hunter!!!!!! This is another shock-o-thriller for fans of The Six Senses and that kind of thing, mental tension and whatnot. It is about FBI agents who use their special mental powers to psyche each other out. Who is in it? A rapper, some party boys, a lady and such. It looks great. I really like this one. I think it has an amazing twist ending, I will be all like “I don’t understand what happened!” Those are the best.

ALSO!!! A funny one for the comedy lovers, Kicking is Screaming. The guy from Saturday Night Live “looks mahhhvelous” in this one. It is about sports, and it has Mrs. Tom Cruise as a beautiful witch. Funny!

ALSO!!! If you are like me and love to watch foreign films, you should not miss Un-leashable. A Chinese boy, in China, is raised in slavery. That is so sad. When he is a man, he becomes violent, and they have to kill him because he is like a dog, even though he has learned karate. There is the Shawshank man in this movie, but sadly he has gone blind like the latina’s old boyfriend so I do not think he will be a good actor anymore, because there is no way for him to learn his lines. WE MUST FIND A CURE FOR BLINDNESS! And also, you can do a good thing and read a blind person this blogger, it will brighten their day. You can also do even better and take them to the movies! They will not be able to see anything, but they will get a popcorn and have fun just being out of the house. See you at the movies!

Yours Truly, Neal Anderson

MOVIETIME with Idiot Boy Neal Anderson: #5

timechanges@gmail.com (Idiot Boy Neal Anderson) — Tue, 10 May 2005 20:17:00 +0000

This week there are a number of new ones, I believe. How about this? The Kingdom of Heaven. This is the movie with the Elf Warrior, no joke, it is a big one. It is historical. It is about ancient wars and the knights of the round table, the knights that fought in the wars. What are they fighting for? I don’t know? Peace. Also in this movie is, I believe, The Batman. Also, old people. It is a long one. Does the Elf Warrior use his bow and arrow? I hope so. Also, there is a scary one with the French porno girl who travels the world looking for a job. In this one the wax-o’s come to life and start a’ chopping. Look out. What else? The Crash. In this one, a bunch of them are running around and crashing into each other, Hollwood style. But the one who is giving the best performance – you know who it is, Miss Sandra Bullock, the best one of all of them. Is she really going around with that dirty greasy monkey, I hope not. I hope that he is not black mailing her, and she must go around with him or her daddy will lose his farm. In this movie, what is she doing? I do not know. I do not think it is a funny one like Mrs. Congeniality Part 2. That one was hilarious. She dressed up like a hooker, but she was not a hooker. This one, I haven’t seen this one.

Okay, do not say it!!!!! I know what you are thinking! You are thinking “Neal! You are a jerk if you think you can fool us into thinking you have seen all of these films, and clearly you have not!” I have not seen them, not even the one with Miss Sandra Bullock. Why not? Have I got a surprise for you!!!! Me and my friend Gary, who is a DJ, are standing in line for New Star Wars, which is coming out very soon!!!! I love Star Wars. It is amazing. Gary is dressed up as, I don’t know what he calls it, but he looks like a big bear. I am dressed up like Dr. Spock. These movies are the greatest. Hans Olo is very cool, very slick. The Princess, she’s pretty. Is she the one that the old horndog made get undressed, but she wouldn’t do it, in the one with Pretty Lady!? Also, she is in the one with the Jewish doctor, I believe. Luke!!! He is a “Sky-walker.” In this one Luke, I believe, becomes the big baddie, the dark chocolate man with the big mask who can strangle you long-distance. Why will he do it? He must be upset.

I cannot wait to see it, New Star Wars. All of these movies are great. All of the fans are great too! Even the robots, who are very nice! I will stay here until the movie, then I will watch it and go home. Right now, it is like a party in outer space, only on the sidewalk. How I will go the bathroom, I do not know. I think one of the robots made it in his pants, but they are robots and do not know about bathrooms and such. These movies, I believe they are about myths. Myths are important. I think that I will write a space story that is a myth that will help people with their Timechanges. Maybe it will be as good as New Star Wars. Yeah right!!!!!!!! But I will write it. Also, I will tell you all about the amazing times I am having in the line-up! It is so exciting!!! I am going to go crazy, it is so exciting!!!!
Seriously, crazy.

See you at the movies!
Yours Truly, Neal Anderson

P.S. Congratulations to Bridget Jones because she finally bagged a fella, and she is married to him! He is a country boy, better than the freaky punk rocker.

Summer Movie Preview Review

Daniel Perlmutter — Fri, 06 May 2005 16:34:00 +0000

by Daniel Perlmutter

Summer Blockbusters usually disappoint, that's just the way it is. All that promise, the anticipation, the hype... all for nothing. So why bother? Why not just stick to the thrills and chills on offer from summer movie trailers and forget about the real thing altogether? Only by taking the previews as the product itself is it really possible to enjoy a summer movie, and even then it's pretty hit and miss. With that in mind, below are my reviews for some of this summer's blockbuster trailers.

Batman Begins

I'm a fan of the Batman preview franchise, but this one's a little bleak. There's no real excitement and for most of the trailer it doesn't even look like a super-hero movie. There's no real exciting set-pieces and no sense of fun. But the big problem here is the lack of a villain. Every good comic book preview has a great villain and, as far as I could tell, this preview had none. Most of the preview is concerned with Batman working out. Who wants to see that? And the Batmobile, come on. A camouflaged hummer (that has desert camouflage for some reason, even though it's for driving around Gotham city), it's really a silly-looking car and they seem to think it's pretty cool. They even give it the all important final shot. No thank you! 3/10

Fantastic Four

Now even though I didn't like this preview all that much it did deliver the goods as far as a comic book preview goes. I mean, you get to see the superheroes all doing their thing, which is kind of fun. But the whole look of the preview is a little week. And the story, I don't know, I just couldn't get into it. But at least there was a little bit of action. 6/10

Kingdom Of Heaven

Welcome to dullsville. This preview was so boring I think I dozed off for a few minutes in the middle there. I mean, sure it's got the big battles and everything but when that's accompanied by the plucky sounds of an acoustic guitar it doesn't really get one's blood a-racing. And Orlando Bloom can't carry a preview by himself, he just doesn't have that kind of star power. All the faux spiritualism, booooring! And the blue tint on the desert. Not my cup of tea. 4/10

War of the Worlds

Now this is a preview. It's got a beginning, a middle and end. It's exciting and involving. It's got a great build to it. Both Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning are in fine form. I mean, it just doesn't get any better than this. And when that freeway gets smashed, whoa, talk about wicked awesome. All this preview is missing is a sexy babe. But it's a testament to the strength of the piece that you don't really need one. Bravo! 8/10

Extra-Special Multimedia Krangor Diaries!

slytusk@gmail.com (Mark Slutsky) — Fri, 06 May 2005 21:07:00 +0000

(Editor’s Note: Since the summer of 2001, Mark Slutsky has been obsessed with Krangor: Legend of the Galaxy, his proposed big-budget, effects-heavy sci-fi extravaganza about a pair of spaceships who wed at the centre of the galaxy. Obviously a production of this nature requires considerable time and resources, and Slutsky’s continuing struggle to realize this dream project has been the focus of The Krangor Diaries, special to Screen Test.)

This week, a very special edition of The Krangor Diaries, presented in video format! A bold new era for the Diaries begins...

Enjoy!

AVS FILM SCHOOL #1

S W O — Wed, 04 May 2005 00:49:00 +0000

Getting Started: Part One

Transcribed from a lecture given by AVS Head of Development S.W. Owen at the Spring Orientation Gala for Automatic Vaudeville Film School, May 2. 2005, Automatic Vaudeville Studios, Montreal.

Hello, hi there, good evening. (applause) My name is Seth W. Owen, (applause) and I’m head of development here at Automatic Vaudeville Studios. (applause) Okay, that’s---Shut up. (pause) Don’t look at me. (pause) Look at me. (awkward silence) Hmmm. That’s actually a different lecture altogether. [note: said lecture is titled “On-Camera/Off-camera: The Politics of Self-Representation in Auteur Cinema” and will be featured in a future installment of Automatic Vaudeville Film School] What I want to talk about tonight is getting started. It just seemed, well, a good place for us to get started. (Pours glass of water from a tall pitcher.)

Okay. So. If you’re a young person thinking about getting started in motion pictures, you’re gonna be coming from one of two places. Which of these places it is that you’re coming from will go a long way in determining what sort of filmmaker you might end up one day, if you pay attention in class and can take good notes. So. Two points-of-entry. Two positions. The first position is “There is a film I want to make,” and the second is “I want to make a film.” I’m sorry, there’s something wrong with this water. This water tastes funny. Could I get a new… thank you. (A young, attractive intern has removed the pitcher of water.) What was I talking about? (looks at notes) That’s right. Do you want to make a movie, or is there a movie you want to make? Think about it. I don’t know if it’s ever going to be all one or the other, life is complicated… but I think it’s worth thinking about.

Before I say any more, I should probably tell you a bit about myself.

I’ve always been creative, even back when that meant something. Very impressively creative. Impressively endowed, creatively speaking. (there is a laugh from a female student at the back of the crowd.) What’s so funny!? Who—Oh… you go to school here? I didn’t realize you were a student here. Well, that’s a little… You look good. Wow, really good. Stay after… I want to discuss your (winks) syllabus with you after class, if you’ve got a moment. Where was I?

Creativity. Back when I was kid, in the 1970s… yeah, no shit, I’m in my 30s. Early 30s. I look young, I know. Eat right. Drink water. Anyway, when I was a kid, everyone wasn’t exploring their creativity all the time, like today. Creativity as in the “creative arts,” that is, because of course there is creativity in all callings, from the haberdasher to the butcherman to the tow truck driver. No, I mean creativity in the “I demand more finger-painting time in my schedule” sense. My creativity was matched only by my devotional interest in movie trivia, and I prided myself as being the class “movie guy.” Okay, alright, I was a not an altogether likable child, granted, granted. Later, in say… What? Grade Six? Junior high school? Later my “creativity” and my love of the movies intersected and made me naturally inclined towards being a filmmaker. The rest, as they say, is history. But during my long, oft erotic slog from aspiring junior high auteur to Head of Development at Montreal’s history-making Automatic Vaudeville Studios, a lot has changed.

Nowadays, every classroom is filled with “movie guys” and “movie gals.” There are film festivals for high school filmmakers. There are video cameras in phones. You can make a movie with your phone! That is so fucked up. Everybody reads the weekend box-office report… speaking of which, how pleased is Vin Diesel with himself right now? Anyhoo. What was I saying? Everybody is a filmmaker. Everybody is a studio executive. The medium and its means of production are emancipated! Democratized! Hurray and hurrah! Meanwhile, there are no nurses or schoolteachers or construction workers. Great. Well done, culture. At least we have more film festivals.

Entertainment—once a “break time” activity—is now the only show in town. And there you are, poised on the brink of your bold new artistic venture, inhaling the invigorating possibility of making your Citizen Kane at age 13. And of course, yes, this here film school has been established to help you realize your goals. But let me give you one important bit of advice: DO NOT BE A FILMMAKER. (gasp from crowd) Okay, alright. Hunker down. This is not advice I give lightly. It does not emerge bitterly from my own many years of frustration and failure in the pursuit of cinematic glory – yes, it’s true, even an icon like myself has his bad days… (a titter from the same student as before.) I say this to you only because THERE ARE TOO MANY FILMMAKERS. I mean, Jesus, it’s certainly not like there are TOO MANY good movies. You feeling me?

Of course, some of you will choose not to heed this sublimely wise advice. You will forge on in your path, and it is more than a little likely that you will meet more success than myself, and that I may, at some point, ask to borrow some money from you. Actually… I accidentally left my wallet back at home this morning, and I was hoping… you, with the glasses, could you… like, a fiver? (Is handed five-dollar bill from student wearing glasses.) Thanks. Don’t do drugs. Maybe I’ll pass a hat around after this thing and you can all… Awesome.

Okay, so we’ve arrived at the beginning, and we are asking ourselves: do I have a movie I want to make or do I want to make a movie? Mull it over. Is it a trick question? Maybe, maybe. In the meantime, I’d like to stress another important aspect of getting started in the pictures: the business aspect. You are indeed entering a business. This cannot be denied. Luckily for you, it is show business, and it is like no business I know. Some of you might not want to be in show business. You might want to make art. And you’ll cry about it later, when you realize you’re in a business all the same. Yeah, you know what, I don’t even want to deal with you people. Everybody who doesn’t want to be in show business, get the hell out of here. (several students begin their exit.) Wait... Except for you. You’ve got spunk. And there’s a considerable amount of junk in your trunk. So… Stay, learn: your artistic ambition and show business can make like an arranged marriage. You can learn to love me—It. Learn to love it. Whoops. Is it hot in here? Hey, you, the fat one, crack that window, would you--- Phew. Where’s that water? It’s so—Where was I? We were just getting started… Talking about getting started… Show business… There’s no business like…
(Lecturer passes out.)

NEXT CLASS: Getting Started Part II: Don’t Go to Film School!

Movietime with Idiot Boy Neal Anderson #4

timechanges@gmail.com (Idiot Boy Neal Anderson) — Wed, 27 Apr 2005 02:04:00 +0000

What is it that I love? A movie that is intelligent and, also, scary. There are actually a couple of these ones out in your theatres now. First there is The Amityville Horror Movie. This one is a true story. How scary is that? Scary and smart. In olden times, two newlyweds and their children move into a big house where bad things are always happening. I don’t know who they are. Is the one with the beard from the Pizza place? And the blonde one, I don’t know. Maybe she is a real person. This all really happened. Sometimes bad things happen to people, as they say. GHOSTS! What are they? Why are they so scary!!? The beard-o is all coconuts because the children are giving him the grumpies. He knows it will soon be axe time. Enter ghosts. They run around and it is so scary! And I know that axe time is wrong, no matter how much you want to do it. DON’T DO IT!

The Interpretator is a smart movie as well as the other one, and in it Mrs. Tom Cruise is a beautiful blonde who works for the United Stations and the serious one, the great actor, Sean Penn, is, I believe, a policeman. They fall in love, I believe, even though Africans are trying to kill them with voodoo. First of all, I do not know about the United Stations until I have seen this film. What do they do there? They see to it, I believe, that all of our nations are united, in peace! That is a good idea. Mrs. Tom Cruise, what does she do? She answers the phones or something, and one night she picks up the phone and a scary African man is all like “I’m going to kill you voodoo style.” Enter the great actor, who I believe was in the other one, The Mystical River, the one about the little boy who was thrown down some stairs and was sad his whole life for no good reason. He is always crying (Sean Penn not the little boy, even though the little boy is also crying). My friend Gary, who is a DJ, told me that Sean Penn used to be married to Madonna, before she was Jewish. He killed a man with a camera. The photographs were so good he is now an actor (?). One time in this movie Mrs. Tom Cruise gets on a bus and everybody is like “Get off the bus!” That was funny, but then an explosion came and it was sad. This is a smart one. Don’t miss it.

Also opening at the box office is A Little Bit Like Love – Guess who is in this movie – it is Ashton Kutcher, the little boy who married an old lady and was just in The Guess Who, which is why I made that joke. I saw them kiss with tongues on Saturday Night Live. What a weirdo! In this movie he learns that love is “a little bit like love” no matter what. He is also a punko, and one of these days he might punko me pretty bad. Like I will just be eating my lunch and he will run up on me and yell PUNK-O and it will be on Tv, so the joke is on me then I guess. Seriously, it is all in good fun, and I hope I am punk-o’d right away. This one, I did not see this one. See you at the movies!

Yours Truly, Neal Anderson

From The Desk of D.S. Perlmutter, Head of Production

Daniel Perlmutter — Tue, 26 Apr 2005 05:53:00 +0000

Re: New Frontiers in Entertainment

To: Seth W. Owen, Head of Development
CC: Mark Slutsky, Head of Production

Gentlemen, have done some research of late, thought I should copy you in. Have you seen latest numbers on Incredibles? Never mind DVD figures, check out overseas sales. Also Find The Fish movie still making money. Not to mention Shrek, now billion dollar industry! I say we move on whole cartoon-thing ASAP. As far as budget goes no need to worry. Sure, these pictures used to cost an arm and a leg, but can now find fourteen-year-old nerds who do whole movie on computer in basement. For real! Give some Jr. High student case of diet coke and he'll have our movie finished by end of week. As far as story goes, I have ideas. Good characters a must. Already done Fish, Toys and Robots with Cars coming next. So how's this for a title: House Arrest. Movie set in near future where houses can commit crimes. How would you feel if your house committed a crime? That's what happens to young Bobby Fielding, and it's up to a rag-tag team of rent controlled buildings to prove Bobby's home innocent. Maybe evil condominium is behind whole thing. As you can see, movie writes itself. I say we move now. Give me green light and we can all make some money. - Dan.

P.S. On a related note I have heard some talk around the studio about a Dragon Hunting movie. Must advise against this. Please consult me before any further developments on this picture. - Dan.