Movietime with Idiot Boy Neal Anderson

Okay, it is springtime now and if you are like me you are going “Oh My God! There are so many amazing movies this year and it is not even Summertime yet! Is this the best year for movies ever!!!????” It is too early to make such a claim as this, but one thing is for certain: 2005 is shaping up to be the best year for movies ever. Before summer begins and things get super loco with the arrival of Herbie: Fully Reloaded and the other ones, it is time to look at what has already happened at the movie theatres – it is Neal Anderson’s 2005 Best Movie Year Ever So Far Round Up!

Be Cool - This movie was the coolest, from its one-hundred dollar shades to the tips of its leathery silver boots. John Travolta (The Phenomenon) is a cool guy who enjoys creativity, and has to deal with some of Tinseltown’s most hilarious and unpredictable music making nasties – everybody from the fat black one to the skinny white one who pretends he is a black one (that’s Hollywood! Ha ha!). This great dancer also shakes a rug with the blonde lady and also The Rock comes out of the closet as a gay one. But do you know what, the gays are okay by me, because I have smelt what the Rock is cooking, and it’s a “Very cool” movie!

The Hitch – There’s just one hitch, I believe, with this movie – it didn’t last forever! Love is, I believe, a funny thing, and nobody knows this better than America’s funnyman Will Smith. In this movie he is the ultimate lady’s man, and he helps a fat boy get a pretty one but at the same time he is falling for a pretty one of his own! In the truth, I could not follow half of what was going on this movie on account of having a cold, but do you know what? Sometimes it is enough just to be sitting down, believing in love, and laughing.

The Ice Princess - This movie has a double meaning, because while “Ice Princess” can mean, I believe, somebody who is a “queen” of the ice, as in ice skating, it can also mean someone who is too stuck up and is like “I am a movie star! Leave me alone!” when all someone wants to do is communicate with them and share thoughts and feelings on the internet or snail mail (why do they call it that!?). This kind of person is also called an Ice Princess, and if you reading this Michelle Trachtenberg I would take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself what kind of Ice Princess are you!? This movie also has in it the slutty one from the sex show, and one of my internet pals told me she is just dirty and always “up for it.”

A Pacifier – Ha ha right… a tough, strong guy like Vin Diesel playing a nanny? Yeah, right! That’s what I thought – or USED to think, before I saw this action-packed, hilarious and really really heartwarming movie about yeah, a tough guy! A tough guy who thinks his life is about one thing but ends up being about something else – family! Classic Timechanges! (my philosophy of how life goes through changes over time – see my new blogger about it!) I would love to interview Mr. Diesel about his own Timechanges, because if they are half as interesting as this movie than I will be winning the Nobel prize in interviewing this year.

The Guess Who – A black boy and a white boy fall in love with a real China doll and they are driving around in tiny cars when they realize that who they really love is each other, but not gay at all, just like the love you feel for a flower or a nice dress.

Mrs. Congeniality Part 2 – Miss Sandra Bullock is back, and she is beautiful still, of course, but also do you know what? This girl (woman!) can act! Yesterday one of my on-line pals told me (as a larf!) that Sandra is going around with a dumb hillbilly who is all like “Come ‘ere Sandy B. I’m a’ gonna do mean things to ya! I’m a gonna treat you like a Texas trash can.” But I saw Miss Sandra Bullock on the television show with the man with the missing baby, and he asked her if she was dating a hillbilly and do you know what? She didn’t say yes! Which means my internet pal was just having a larf and nobody has to die today.
See you at the movies! Yours Truly, Neal Anderson

NEXT WEEK: Idiot Boy Neal Anderson on the enchanting world of Jonathan Nossiter’s Mondovino

THIS IS A REMIX

Reduce, Reuse, Remake

There is no denying the power of success and in Hollywood that goes double. So for all of you who bitch and moan each time a classic film is remade it's time to wake-up and smell the BO (box-office,) these movies make money. And you know what that means? It's time for Automatic Vaudeville to get into the mix. With the Guess Who's Coming To Dinner remake, elegantly titled Guess Who, dominating the box office here are some more classic movies ripe for the picking. What about a re-imagining of Cool Hand Luke simply titled Cool Hand. Or the Lubitsch classic To Be Or Not To Be remade as the more positive To Be. Maybe Billy Wilder's comedy classic can now be the more inclusive Some Like It. And maybe George Clooney could take on the Gary Cooper role in the classic western Noon. What if Michael Bay got behind the camera to reinterpret the Hitchcock classic North. Maybe Cate Blanchett can reprise her role as Kathrine Hepburn in a remake of the Howard Hawks classic Up Baby. They don't all have to be old movies, though. Why not remake Scorsese's 1990 gangster film Fellas. Or Oscar favorite Finding (either Nemo or Neverland.) The list is endless. The point is these remakes should not be looked down upon. They are simply celebrating our living memory and, most important of all, they get people talking. So I say keep the remake alive. Now if you'll excuse me I'm busy remaking Ashton Kutcher's film debut, Dude Where.

Rare Vintage Screen Test Cover

First in a series of cover images from the paper-based version of Screen Test, given away at our screenings. This baby's from our fall 2004 issue, available at the show we put on at Toronto's Drake Hotel in November 2004. Portrayed in stark black & white is Seth W. Owen as "The King" in the first, historic Schandfilm.

Interview: Big Gold Hoops and Kosher Dill Spears

Call ‘em dancers, dreamers, darlings—just don’t call them dilettantes. Over the last three years or so, Big Gold Hoops and Kosher Dill Spears have tap-danced their way into Montrealers’ hearts with their homegrown blend of percussive dance and white-hot keyboard playing. Automatic Vaudeville Studios has been proud to present the two at many of our Hi-Class Picture Shows, where their performances always been unqualified smashes. A dance act that’s not afraid to shake their asses, the two agreed to an exclusive interview with Screen Test.

Screen Test: Let’s get straight to the point. Why do you dance?
Big Gold Hoops and Kosher Dill Spears: To feel free and happy and to release all forms of tension.
ST: What, outside of the world of dance and music, inspires you?
BGH: Improv comedy, Oprah, bad movies, interviewing people, American Idol, relatives, going back to school, road trips.
KDS: Nice people, food, nature, long bike rides, comic books, movies, drawing, New York, Japan.
ST: You push yourself physically at every performance; it’s awesome to behold. Where do you get your energy? What are some of your favourite foods?
BGH & KDS: Eggplant parmigiana, gnocchi, chicken with cumin, cabbage rolls, hot banana bread, gorditas, eggs and sausage, sushi, pizza, chocolate.
ST: Yum! Now, you’ve performed for the cream of the modern dance world, and for distinguished film fans the world over. But there must be some people you’d love to show off your skills in front of… Any names in particular come to mind?
BGH & KDS: Outkast, Sun City Girls, John Waters, off-Broadway producers, comedy/performance festivals across the globe.
ST: On a similar note, who would you most like to perform with?
BGH &KDS: The Saturday Night Live cast, Canned Hamm and other people; we just have to find them. Suggestions?
ST: Everybody’s talking about What’s Up With That?, your upcoming production with Automatic Vaudeville, where Big Gold Hoops plays a streetwise hip hop dancer who meets a classical pianist, in the form of Kosher Dill Spears. Would you have any comment, or some morsels of information for your fans?
KDS: What’s Up With That? should be a promising new feature!
ST: On a more serious note, do you believe that would you do can help remedy some of the world’s ills? Which ones?
BGH & KDS: Yes. Depression and repression.
ST: And this one’s for the more spiritual members of your audience, who are desperate to know—do you believe in miracles?
BGH & KDS: Yes, we both believe in miracles because we're both optimistic dreamers.