The Great Directors
An Exclusive Excerpt from
Idiot Boy Neal Anderson's BIOGRAPHICAL DICTIONARY OF FILM
D.W. Griffith. A racist and a lady’s man. He was innovative, and yet… we now believe he may have been copying from someone. Perhaps a neighbour who was a black man.
F.W. Murnau was a very scary man who made very scary movies. Even scarier than his movies, however, was his real life. Because Murnau was a real life vampire! No coincidence, then, that he directed the film Dracula!
Jean Renoir was not a filmmaker. He was a painter. I Googled it. Case closed.
Orson Welles was a fat fat man who made a movie about a real fatso who would just eat and eat and eat and then he eats a rosebud and he dies. No mystery there. Welles was just fourteen when he made the movie about the fatso, and he never made another movie in his life, which as we all know is a great tragedy.
Alfred Hitchcock was a cocksure little cockney who liked to spin fancy tales about murderers and cops n’ robbers. His greatest thrill was in shocking the motion picture audience. He would travel from theatre to theatre playing devilish tricks, like saying “Guv’nor! There’s a murderer loose in the theatre, there is!” Later he would make a movie about going to the washroom, and nobody went to the washroom ever again, because they were so scared.
Jean Luc Godard was a Frenchmen, and he thought he was a real cool guy. He would wear sunglasses and be like “Hey baby, I am French, let’s make zee l’amour!” But I do not know if he was that cool. Famous for starting the rumour that Paul McCartney was dead, and for the saying “Film is 24 frames a second!”
Akira Kurosawa. Who is that? I do not know who he is, but I’ll bet he made “Tale of the Amazing Samurai” or something like that.
Kenjo Mizoguchi made films where families sit around and do dick all, but there is a feeling that “Nirvana” is obtained, because everything is symmetrical.
Federico Fellini’s films were totally weird, like with freaky people dancing around and everybody rolling around and even little kids saying swear words and having dreams where everybody is masturbating. He showed us that film can be anything in our imaginations, and that has been proven as a fact.
Pier Paolo Pasolini was all like “every-a-body must-a be gay!” In saying this, he implied that Jesus was himself gay, and became banned in his hometown of Italy (Italia). I know little if anything about his films, as we are not allowed to see them.
Francis Ford Coppola made films about gangsters, and then one day he woke up and he looked at himself in the mirror and he thought to himself “I myself have become a gangster.” So he packed up his things, moved away from Hollywood, and opened a vineyard. Now his daughter Sophia Coppola has plans to get into “da family business” but her father says: “Whatsamatta you!?”
Martin Scorsese was a good one, I think, but enough with the Italians.
Steven Spielberg. Now there is a filmmaker. All this guy wants to do is make the movies. At night, when his wife Kate Capshaw is all like “I want to make love to you” he is all like “Sorry honey, but I gotta finish this movie!” And it is probably a top secret sequel to E.T. where E.T. comes back and is the best man at the little boy’s wedding.
Joel Schumacher. A gentleman and a scholar. The “pretty prince” of cinema.
Stay tuned... More Entries on the way!
Idiot Boy Neal Anderson's BIOGRAPHICAL DICTIONARY OF FILM
D.W. Griffith. A racist and a lady’s man. He was innovative, and yet… we now believe he may have been copying from someone. Perhaps a neighbour who was a black man.
F.W. Murnau was a very scary man who made very scary movies. Even scarier than his movies, however, was his real life. Because Murnau was a real life vampire! No coincidence, then, that he directed the film Dracula!
Jean Renoir was not a filmmaker. He was a painter. I Googled it. Case closed.
Orson Welles was a fat fat man who made a movie about a real fatso who would just eat and eat and eat and then he eats a rosebud and he dies. No mystery there. Welles was just fourteen when he made the movie about the fatso, and he never made another movie in his life, which as we all know is a great tragedy.
Alfred Hitchcock was a cocksure little cockney who liked to spin fancy tales about murderers and cops n’ robbers. His greatest thrill was in shocking the motion picture audience. He would travel from theatre to theatre playing devilish tricks, like saying “Guv’nor! There’s a murderer loose in the theatre, there is!” Later he would make a movie about going to the washroom, and nobody went to the washroom ever again, because they were so scared.
Jean Luc Godard was a Frenchmen, and he thought he was a real cool guy. He would wear sunglasses and be like “Hey baby, I am French, let’s make zee l’amour!” But I do not know if he was that cool. Famous for starting the rumour that Paul McCartney was dead, and for the saying “Film is 24 frames a second!”
Akira Kurosawa. Who is that? I do not know who he is, but I’ll bet he made “Tale of the Amazing Samurai” or something like that.
Kenjo Mizoguchi made films where families sit around and do dick all, but there is a feeling that “Nirvana” is obtained, because everything is symmetrical.
Federico Fellini’s films were totally weird, like with freaky people dancing around and everybody rolling around and even little kids saying swear words and having dreams where everybody is masturbating. He showed us that film can be anything in our imaginations, and that has been proven as a fact.
Pier Paolo Pasolini was all like “every-a-body must-a be gay!” In saying this, he implied that Jesus was himself gay, and became banned in his hometown of Italy (Italia). I know little if anything about his films, as we are not allowed to see them.
Francis Ford Coppola made films about gangsters, and then one day he woke up and he looked at himself in the mirror and he thought to himself “I myself have become a gangster.” So he packed up his things, moved away from Hollywood, and opened a vineyard. Now his daughter Sophia Coppola has plans to get into “da family business” but her father says: “Whatsamatta you!?”
Martin Scorsese was a good one, I think, but enough with the Italians.
Steven Spielberg. Now there is a filmmaker. All this guy wants to do is make the movies. At night, when his wife Kate Capshaw is all like “I want to make love to you” he is all like “Sorry honey, but I gotta finish this movie!” And it is probably a top secret sequel to E.T. where E.T. comes back and is the best man at the little boy’s wedding.
Joel Schumacher. A gentleman and a scholar. The “pretty prince” of cinema.
Stay tuned... More Entries on the way!
October 14, 2004 Dear Diary: It has been two long years since I set down my quill and put aside my much laboured-on Krangor script. There just didn’t seem to be any point; the production was just too expensive for a small Montreal studio of practically zero means. But how things change. With the success of Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, I have realized this, Diary: we have the technology to produce Krangor on a reasonable budget! I do have misgivings, though. Sky Captain dude worked in his basement for like 10 years to make that thing. And he had to write his own software. Perhaps I can borrow it.